Sometimes, just sometimes when not I’m pondering how shit I am (or indeed just how rubbish I am) my mind flips over to the other side and I wish the world was more like me. Perhaps there is a certain logic though. Given that I feel intellectually isolated, that the solutions to problems that I offer are quickly dismissed or sometimes even frowned upon a rational explanation would have to be that the most of what I think, say or do is - at best - pretty much rubbish.

So therefore, equipped with that sense of invalidation, of failure and uselessness of course I’m going to be looking around not only for support but also for a few straight answers. It’s the pragmatism kicking in.

“OK! I’ll admit I’m shit on the condition that you answer my questions. This way, next time we speak I will not be quite as shit… I’ll just be a bit rubbish.”

And it is that ethos that I believe runs very deep inside me. That sense of inadequacy that has driven me over the last ten years to achieve as much as I can in all kinds of fields and yet has left me feeling pretty empty and worthless as if having built on sand.

For the sacrifices I’ve made have meant that I’ve never had real sense of perspective. The hedonism of immediate gratification has left me wanting more long term goals whilst the few of these I’ve had always come to fruition very quickly. And then when I feel my work is done, like shooting my load after a long wank I don’t even want think that way again until I’ve rested.

But returning to my original purpose of writing. Whatever a person’s goal or agenda if they are clearly motivated by short term self gratification then I most probably will be disgusted by them and their petty little concerns and grievances. If however I’m presented with someone who is building something then I initially feel compelled to help them but then I start to wish they’d do the thing my way - forcing myself down that very same path of blame and petty grievance.

If I could work out what it is that motivates some people, if I could then help them get what it is then I’d probably feel a little more settled. I don’t want to reminded how shit I am; and that means I don’t want to meet or talk to other shit people and bond based on such awful common grand.

For let’s not kid each other here. Some people are just rubbish, and anyone trying to avoid that fact are kidding themselves and if you try to argue that point with me I’ll probably laugh in your face, or perhaps just tell you to fuck off, or even (as I’ve been doing more lately) just walk away from the situation entirely.