Podcasting from Speakers’ Corner

Look - tits and that for you to see while you hear political banter

This was meant to be the third part of my discussion about Podcasting. Written both to aid my post podcasting fall out recovery and also as a kind of thinking out loud document. Instead it ended up being a rather odd little story.

In part one I took a look online communities that surround podcasters. If a podcaster can be compared to a ranting preacher at speaker’s corner then you can literally see the audience that gather round him, perhaps even turning to each other to say “what’s he talking about?” or even shouting out “you’re great – keep it up”…it’s true!

You could even be very clever and say that it’s raining and in the mud these people are leaving a digital footprint.

Now here’s the problem. The man shouting “We’re all going to die” has a good few people round him (because he’s actually quite funny). But more the people who come to listen the harder it gets to hear him from the back – so he has to shout a bit and the subtilise of his humour are lost.

But then another man not to far away starts singing a song whilst juggling, upside down with fireworks and an accordion. (There’s also some monkeys) Incredible!

So whilst his core message of ‘Kill all Jews” doesn’t resonate with as many people he sure knows how to put on a show.

What is the ‘We’re all going to die’ man going to do. He invests his money in a doom pedlars consultancy firm who give him some great advice.

The next week the ‘We’re all going to die‘ man (hell -let’s just call him Alan) isn’t standing on his soap box at all. Instead his entire speech is being presented to the audience by a young girl in a tight top. Rumour has it that after the bit about skeletons rising from the grave you get to see her boobs. She describes herself as flirty and lists ‘good times’ as one of her interests. 28-24-30dd.

Meanwhile, Alan is actually in the audience itself taking notes. He’s not observing this new girl’s performance but rather the kind of people who are listening. Age; gender; height; weight; the amount of money in their pocket books; the kind of music in their player. But most importantly the amount of people there are. Not just a head count but a ‘dynamic’ head count. He can mathematically calculate the rate at which the people come and go, what makes them stay and what makes them talk to each other.

This latter metric is really important because it means people will spread the word and more people will come to see Alan and hear his message.

How on earth is the ‘Kill all Jews‘ man (whom we will now call the Nazi Juggler, equally deserving of re-branding) going to redress the balance. He has no more limbs to flay around to draw people’s attention and as for his accordion – which everyone knows is the most distracting instrument in the world – just isn’t drawing the crowds like it used to.

So he turns to technology.

The following week – and get your tissues ready guys – the ‘holocaust never happened‘ speech is illustrated with an interactive touch screen power point presentation. The accordion now uses nanobots to play itself into a 700gig PA system which, apart from being very loud (loud enough to make the tress go blind) also interrupts blue tooth mobile phones and re-routes GPS systems to direct people to speakers’ corner.

The ‘Jews even look strange‘ segment includes a live strobe lighting laser show which could cleverly single out circumcised genitals from members in the audience and bombard them with gamma radiation. COOL!

It really was the greatest show on earth – even the Jewish people who saw it thought it was all very post modern and tongue in cheek.

“Can’t you tell – he’s attacking people who attack Jews. He’s not dressed like Adolf Hitler but like the kind of people who dress like Adolf Hitler. Brilliant!” Clever

Alan was not impressed. What about the ART of public speaking. This wasn’t a speech but a weekly multimedia event. Alan realised that he was, as they say’ pissing in the wind’ and the girl he’d employed was refusing to put and more increasingly larger objects in her anus now that winter was on it’s way. As far as Alan was concerned the real enemy here was all the technology – which coincidentally he count afford to buy himself.

For the first time since going to speakers corner Alan started talking to other speakers. They, like him all hated the Nazi Juggler but some argued that there were lessons to be learnt from the whole affair. More importantly though they agreed to swop phone numbers and form a Union. This wold also entail having lots of meetings, generating action plans, setting targets and the making and wearing of little badges to identify name and rank within the organisation. (This would later be changed to matching polo t-shirts and baseball caps as someone pointed out that their image was too authoritarian.)

Most importantly they produced their own magazine which celebrated the craft of outdoor public speaking. This was the first time Alan had been recognised as the true talent that he knew he was (don’t forget – he even had the stats to prove it).

Meanwhile the Nazi Juggler got a TV contract and stopped putting on his show altogether. (He would later go on tour with the same show and charge a whopping £30 per ticket – the same price as tickets to see Ringo Starr).

The speakers’ union were delighted that things could go back to the way they were in the good old days.

Not long after, a young artist type who had given the matter of public outdoor speaking a lot of thought – and read every issue of the magazine – began speaking himself. He was being billed as The New Alan which infuriated Alan, who was still working himself and didn’t want to be refered to as the old Alan.

This new boy had learnt that a good strong message, finely crafted rhetoric and just a little titillation and technology were the perfect blend. And, as a naked woman bent over to start the arc welding light show the new boy began his speech with ‘I think all Muslims deserve to die because..”

The funny thing was he actually was being post modern, not really being capable of originality as such – but that didn’t stop him from being stabbed on his way home by someone who was later refereed to as being ‘beige‘ in the Police reports.

The day had come – a speaker had been killed for the views he had expressed. Sky News ran the story as ‘The Death of Free Speech‘. How could this terrible thing happen? And more importantly who was responsible.

The furious public looked to the speakers’ union. An organisation that had failed to protect one of their own. And it seemed, by virtue of their magazine (which the Times Newspaper rudely refereed to as fanzinebastards) they in fact inspired this boy to perform the way he did. It seemed that he was in fact copycat speaker; lead astray by a weird fetish cult and that all he wanted was a bit of validation. But it had all lead to obsession and his premature demise.

But rather than close down the union instead the wise powers at be thankfully decided to close down speakers corner altogether. The property value of the surrounding buildings doubled overnight for all was safe and quiet.

Sometimes, late at night, if you switch on your CB radio to channel 17 you can hear them saying that speakers corner just wasn’t quite the same in the end – not since that exploding Jewish guy with the dog fucking elephant.

Today’s story will of course be reprinted in the technology section of the Guardian where all the podcasting related stories fucking belong!

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